when it feels hard-thoughts on our open adoption

Posted By: niki Date Posted: July 28th, 2017

Today, my 2 adopted kiddos and I spent time with our youngest son’s birth family.  I keep in contact with them, mostly through social media.  I knew they were getting together in a nearby town this weekend so this morning I sent a message to figure out if and when we could connect.  For me…….it is hard to try to make this happen.  I want it to happen in theory….but in reality…..we are busy.  We have a busy family.  Let’s face it…..its also messy.  There are questions to answer and memories to make between my little guy and his bio family and it is a hard, hard story.  The hard stuff doesn’t just end where the adoption began….hard lives stay hard. 

 

As we drove over to the family gathering, my stomach felt nervous and tight…..who would be there?  Would there be awkwardness?  Would anyone even talk to me or did they just want to see him?  It’s  just hard.  We arrived and I was greeted with 50% relieved looks and 50% “who are you?”……but it didn’t take long for the kids to do what kids do and break the ice, warm up to each other and just play.  I did not expect to have several different conversations with his birth grandpa who was ready to ask some hard questions and share some raw and deeply human feelings with me.  I did not expect to feel drawn to him with the empathy that only comes from Jesus……and want to help him heal from his hard, hard hurts in his life.  I did not expect to feel so grateful to him…..that he would be brave and continue to want to see us.  Wow is he brave.

 

This family has suffered tremendously and continues to suffer.  There is brokenness and dysfunction and hard things and because we adopted their little one, this family is also our family.  I hope that the Holy Spirit will be bold and show us how to love them and do this parallel life that exists between bio and adopted families…and I hope that we can all continue to grow into the best version of ourselves possible.

 

This adoption situation is quite open so all of this is part of our normal…..our other adopted child’s situation is more closed and I watched her tonight, building relationships with her brother’s bio family…..and I know she wishes we could do that with her bio family as well.  Hard.  Hard.  Hard.  As uncomfortable as it is, I wish that for her, too.

 

This beautiful thing we are called to, adoption, is a tragedy.  It is imperfect and it is unexplainable, really.  It sets a few things right on the journey.  That’s for sure.  For the children and for their mamas.  I would not like to live all of my days without having experienced that little chunk of time with his bio family today.  I would not.  I learned things about my son, his birth mom, and myself…..and all of the extended family we are now entwined with…..and we will move forward in these muddy waters and continue to do life together.  Hard life.  Messy life.  Precious life.

 

He is sleeping now, after a fun, fun day.  I am sorting out the thoughts and feelings and finding my way to settle it down for the night.  We cannot just adopt a child and end that event.  The event lives with us every day and I am grateful it does.